Sad doesn't quite describe it....

So this blog was suppose to start something like this "Guess what?!?! We are expanding the Hill crew. Chaz is going to be a big brother... excited.....joy..... can't wait..... " See picture below.
But instead it is this.. I am suffering painful sadness, I lost a baby. The story now goes something like this.
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We wanted to add to our family for a while. We were not those people who HAVE to have our kids a certain number of years apart but we would like them within 4 so they will be close. So we started trying to add to our family. It took us a little longer than it did with Chaz but when Ryan came home at the beginning of October I told him to look at the camera.. He saw the above picture and responded "HA! When did this happen?? Really??" He couldn't even really speak. Chaz blurted out "I'M GOING TO BE A BIG BROTHER" I went to the doctor the next week and we started to tell our friends and family. Chaz was so excited that he got to tell "his secret." We would ask him to tell so and so his secret and with a grin from ear to ear he would say "I'm going to be a big brother." Our life was about to change again. We were both so excited to give Chaz a sibling and us a new baby. We would ask Chaz if he wanted a brother or sister and he would always say brother. I didn't have any worries about the baby as my pregnancy with Chaz was so wonderful. From start to finish the worst things were--him being breach for a bit (which he corrected himself) ..leg cramps (which suck but can be dealt with) .. and the typical can't sleep, back pain, big belly, etc.. but still it was a wonderful pregnancy..
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The doctor told me I was 8 weeks along and due May 25th, the day before Ryan's birthday, and we were both SO excited. We always have such a wonderful time with Ryan's birthday being around Memorial Day we couldn't wait to have a kiddo's bday fall around the same time. Ryan actually said "I'll gladly give up my birthday for a kiddo birthday." What a wonderful daddy!
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Then last Friday afternoon I started bleeding. I knew immediately that this was not good. This didn't happen with Chaz. Ryan and I called the on call doctor and she told me it was probably just spotting and not to worry. I worried, it is what I do. I worried all weekend long. I already had an appointment scheduled for Monday so my thought was unless it gets worse I will just check in that afternoon. But then it got worse. I woke up Monday morning and knew we needed to get to the doctor quickly. We dropped Chaz off at school and went in as soon as we could.
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Just as quickly as our life changed 3 weeks ago, it was about to change again. My doctor decided to do an ultrasound. As soon as I saw the screen I knew what she was going to say "Teresa, I can't find a heartbeat" I cannot tell you how many times those words have played over and over in my head this past week. I looked over to see my husband with his head in his hands. This, this very moment, could just be the worst moment of my life. I had no other reaction but to cry. My world had changed again, forever. I would always be a mom who lost a baby. I don't care how far along I was, I lost a baby. That fact would never change. My husband and I would be traveling through this long road together. The pain is unexplainable, unbearable. That very afternoon I was to hear that sweet little heartbeat, my heart was going to skip a beat, we were both going to tear up, we would immediately begin talking about what to do with the room, what sex the baby would be, the planning and praying was to begin.. but no, not anymore. My heart sank, my world was numb.
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I went home and did what I think almost everyone would do... I crawled into my bed, pulled the covers over my head and cried until I fell asleep. The next few days are a blur. I was numb, I was sad... and now I had to tell all my friends and family, who were insanely excited for us, that we were not going to be blessed with this little baby. Most found out through me asking someone close to "tell the others" or through and email or text. I was just too sad to have a conversation. I avoided phone calls like the plague. The pain was simply unbearable.
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I called my mom before I was ever out of the hospital parking lot.. and by early afternoon she was sitting on the edge of my bed. I love my mom.
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I have spent the majority of the last six days crying and questioning. I am shocked that I even have anymore tears. But I do as they are streaming down my face as I type this post. I did not have any concept of the pain that was involved. I knew it was sad, there is a loss of life, but I didn't understand the extent. I also didn't realize the physical pain or that it is a long process. I know many people who have suffered this same situation but I didn't understand. I don't think you can until you go through it. It is kind of like when people say "You don't understand a mother's love until you become one." True. I would try to sleep during the day but my mind would go full speed and the tears would come. I just didn't know what to do. WHY? Why did this happen? HOW? How do I keep smiling for the sweet little boy I have? WHEN? When does the pain end?
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I had already started writing the new "Belly book." I did this for Chaz and when I did I decided I would do it for all my other kids. It is a book that on one side has the number of the week and dates of the week along with a story about what is going on that week (i.e. told the family, doctor visit, big trip, etc) the other side of the book is a picture of my belly that week. I also started writing the "original" blog. Notes like: "I can't believe the fingernails" "Oh how I forgot the good hair days" "Did I pee this much the first time??" All that now has nowhere to go.. I think about some of my very close girlfriends who are pregnant..I was SO excited to be pregnant at the same time as they were....
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Everyday I waited anxiously for my little guy to get home. I am sure both of my boys were tired of me hugging and kissing all over them. I just couldn't help it. I love them dearly and didn't want to let go of them.
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I am lucky enough to have a sweet husband who brought me at least one of these a day (sometimes 3 or 4... whatever helps right?) If you know me you know unsweet tea with a lemon is a love of mine.
and a mom who brought be a big box of cookies.. note: many are missing because although I am not a sweets fan these seemed to help a little.
and a sweet little boy (with help from Gaga) who brought me these.. He literally went in the back cooler and picked them out....The ones up front were not good enough for his momma and I am quickly reminded of the blessings I have.. nobody else has THIS sweet little 3 year-old who holds my heart in his (blue icing covered) hand. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I struggled with the thought of writing this post. I knew it was going to be incredibly emotional for me (and my husband, friends and my loved ones who would read it) I knew I would be more revealing than I was usually comfortable with and I didn't want it to look like I wanted sympathy or attention (not the point of this post.) I wanted to write this because I feel alone, I am sad and I don't want others who are going through this to feel the same. I know many friends who have been here, lost a child at birth or lost a child when they were older. All situations are incredibly painful but I think we find strength in each other. I am stronger because I know that others have been to hell and back in these situations and they made it through--stronger, wiser and more compassionate. I want to learn from this. I want to be better. I want to appreciate the things I have. I want to slow down and enjoy the moments I have with my child and husband.

I think I smile and laugh often but I want to do it more. As quickly as life can swing one way it can swing back the other way just as quickly. Thank you to the other moms out there for sharing their stories--be it in a blog or in person-- all the stories I have heard have helped me find strength.
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I am still very sad and probably will be for a long time. I have my moments when I will stare off into space or cry for no reason. I have a little boy who doesn't understand because he has a mommy who doesn't know how to explain. We have moments like today at lunch when Chaz was crawling over me and said "Mommy, don't worry.. I won't step on your baby" as can be expected I was in tears within moments. Or the fact that the only sound Chaz wants to listen to on his soundmachine is the "sound of the womb" which I "get" to hear over the monitor. BUT I will make it though this storm. I am a firm believer that God will not give me more than I can handle and although I don't understand I have to trust that this is his plan.. He brought me Ryan, he brought be Chaz, he brought me this baby... and he took this baby away. The last I will never understand but I will always trust that there was a reason.
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Thank you to all our friends and family for the thoughts and prayers as we go through this tough time. We appreciate all the calls (even if I avoided answering some, forgive me) emails, texts, etc. Through this I have learned I have the best husband, kiddo, friends and family a girl could ever ask for.

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I spent some time tonight searching for the "perfect" quote about how I was feeling. I am not sure how exactly one finds the "perfect" quote. So I landed on the below--it makes me think about where I am right now... and it makes me grin in hopes I haven't lost my sense of humor. That would be tragic as it is probably my best trait..

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"In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back" ~ Charlie Brown

October Randomness.....

October randomness is here!!!
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We begin with Bikes, Blues and BBQ. Which had quickly become one of the largest biker rallies in the US. I think this year was a little thin but I never looked at the numbers in the paper. Chaz had such a good time last year that we decided to take him down a few evenings so he could see the motorcycles. He had such a good time.
and of course we have to do the mohawk (although with the wind he looks a little more like a Who from Whoville than a biker)

Evening of fun with Fletcher. Both Buzz Lightyear but Chaz wanted to throw in a twist with the scary mask. Ok! Why wouldn't you put a gourd and a pumpkin on your ears?
Monkey see, Monkey do...
During a Hill Family Dinner, Meghan decided the kiddos would enjoy decorating cupcakes. They sure did!! I think they ate more then they decorated but they sure had a good time doing it!
Chaz clapping for the good work of him and Uncle Mike.
Icing on the nose... How did that get there? Oh the little ones learn from the bigger ones.. interesting concept :)
First cupcake complete.. this is going to take awhile..

What a mess!!!!

Cupcake number two...

Uncle Ryan is such a bad influence.. Oh wait, he is just fun!!

After cupcakes the kiddos went into the backyard to play. I looked outside and found this.. Ben had pulled a blanket from inside, put it in a flower pot and then put himself in the flower pot.. Hilarious!!

One Friday afternoon we came home and found Ryan's original wedding ring in the catchall on the bathroom counter. He asked me about it.. nope, I didn't find it. He seriously thought I was messing with him. If you remember it has been gone for a good 6 months AND I bought him a new one for our anniversary this year.. Well after a quick call to the housekeeper we discovered it was found here... in the central vac. I guess because the tubing goes straight up it will drop heavy pieces into the opening instead of pulling them up. Well, this would have been great to know two months ago!! Oh well. Original ring into the safe, replacement ring on the hubs finger...you know just in case he loses it again. *wink*

Pumpkin patch & corn maze time!

We had such a great time last year that we decided to head back to the Right Choices Corn Maze this year. We had a ton of folks coming with us from my side of the family (Gaga, Papa, Me, Ryan, Chaz, Meme, Sandra, Gayle, Michelle, Stephen, Alexis and Kelsey) so we decided to take the motor home. What a way to travel! We met up with all the Hills and it was time for a good time!!Chaz wanted to load every pumpkin in the wheel barrow "by himself" Ok, go for it kiddo!
and then this.. THIS is what happens when the pumpkin patch intersects with nap time. Oh well, gotta keep on truckin' While waiting for the cranky bear to settle down I decided to take pictures of the other cuties enjoying the pumpkin patch.. Ben was a little confused as to why he needed to sit with the big orange circles.Campbell was such a good little girl!

The girls are always great to have around. Especially with this many kiddos. Alexis loves to hug up on the babies!
and the babies love to hug up on her!Anna is quickly becoming one of the "bigger" kids. *tear* She is very lovey and helpful with the littler kids.

I thought this little guy was adorable, although he wasn't part of our crew, he settled right up next to my dad. I guess a cowboy knows another when he sees one :)Papa's shoulder makes a very good pillow at nap time.

Kelsey likes hanging out with the bigger kids. I don't blame her, they are a little easier!

The boys couldn't figure out why we had to have bands on our arms. Well kiddos, that is how we get to ride the hayride.

We all took part in the corncob shooting. Meghan was up first!
Then Chaz and Papa took their turn. I was seriously amazed at how far these "canons" could shoot the corn cobs and walnuts. It was very cool!

And then it was time for the slide. Let me tell you, the second I mentioned going to the corn maze this year Chaz began asking about the slide. This kid has the memory of an elephant. We never even spoke of the slides, he simply remembered it from last year. Crazy. Brandon is the "daredevil" so the slide was nothing but fun for him. I do have to point out something in this picture. At the bottom you will see his less than happy twin brother. Needless to say, Ben is not the daredevil of the family. and here is Ben in all his "fearless" glory!

Poor guy.

Anna loved it! Chaz loved it.. but only went down the slide once. You would think after talking about it for a month we wouldn't be able to get him off of it. Nope, one time on each slide was enough for him. I didn't get a picture of Jackson on the slide but you can imagine he loved it. He loves everything! I did get this super sweet one!

Now we all know Chaz has his Papa wrapped around his little finger but I never in a million years would have guessed he would have been able to convince Papa to do this..... Yes, my son was able to get my dad (who is 6' 4" mind you) into the cowtrain. HA!! He kept yelling "Momma, Papa is in the cowtrain.. LOOK!!" He was so excited!

and we even got a wave out of Papa. I think this needs to be his new Facebook profile picture.
Those blue bumps Chaz is holding onto? Yes, those are my poor dad's knees..bumped up against the metal of the cowtrain. What a good Papa!!I would like to point out that he is not the only adult in the cowtrain. Notice the man pulling up the rear. and then it was time for the ponies. Chaz is such a fan of the ponies. He doesn't care if they are at the cornmaze, downtown Fayetteville or at the local gas station on the corner. He loves riding the ponies. We were not really prepared for the weather to get in the mid 80s. I had jeans and boots on, ugh hot! And Meme, poor meme had double layers of a turtleneck and a sweatshirt. She was prepared for a snowstorm. So halfway through the day it was time to lose a layer. I still get a chuckle out of this picture. It was a combo effort by mom and meme to get the over shirt off without showing what was under the undershirt.. not that kind of cornmaze! :)Then it was time for the hayride. In effort to not irritate myself I will not go into the long story that I could about the childish girls that rode with us or the branches they kept flipping into our heads or the hay they tossed up that landed all.over.me.. Nope, not going to mention it. It was a lovely hayride.

and here.comes.the.nap.......wait for it... wait for it....
O.U.T.As soon as the hayride stopped he was up again. Total sleeping time? About 15 minutes. Talk about a power nap!Cornmaze time! We opted for the shorter route 1) there is only so much that a cornmaze has to offer 2) have you seen the abundance of kids? We can't risk loosing one in the maze.. Chaz thought it was funny to hide in the hay and scare people!

Read the rules....It really wasn't our intention but we didn't read this sign before we went in and I am pretty sure we broke the majority of the rules. Let's see..

#1...broke it by hiding and scaring people
#2...Yeah, we have 5 running kids under 4.. we broke that one

#3... hmmmmmm, jury is still out
#4.. We didn't break that one!
#5...We tried but if there was a vote I think the "cornmazers" would say we broke it.

Back to that #3.. jury is in... broke it. Honestly, I had no idea until we were out of the maze and I heard "Momma, look what I got" Oh my.. Sweet baby Campbell hung back in the shade. Can't say I blame her!
What a wonderful day with ALL the family! Fair warning Right Choices we will be back next year!!