Sad doesn't quite describe it....

So this blog was suppose to start something like this "Guess what?!?! We are expanding the Hill crew. Chaz is going to be a big brother... excited.....joy..... can't wait..... " See picture below.
But instead it is this.. I am suffering painful sadness, I lost a baby. The story now goes something like this.
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We wanted to add to our family for a while. We were not those people who HAVE to have our kids a certain number of years apart but we would like them within 4 so they will be close. So we started trying to add to our family. It took us a little longer than it did with Chaz but when Ryan came home at the beginning of October I told him to look at the camera.. He saw the above picture and responded "HA! When did this happen?? Really??" He couldn't even really speak. Chaz blurted out "I'M GOING TO BE A BIG BROTHER" I went to the doctor the next week and we started to tell our friends and family. Chaz was so excited that he got to tell "his secret." We would ask him to tell so and so his secret and with a grin from ear to ear he would say "I'm going to be a big brother." Our life was about to change again. We were both so excited to give Chaz a sibling and us a new baby. We would ask Chaz if he wanted a brother or sister and he would always say brother. I didn't have any worries about the baby as my pregnancy with Chaz was so wonderful. From start to finish the worst things were--him being breach for a bit (which he corrected himself) ..leg cramps (which suck but can be dealt with) .. and the typical can't sleep, back pain, big belly, etc.. but still it was a wonderful pregnancy..
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The doctor told me I was 8 weeks along and due May 25th, the day before Ryan's birthday, and we were both SO excited. We always have such a wonderful time with Ryan's birthday being around Memorial Day we couldn't wait to have a kiddo's bday fall around the same time. Ryan actually said "I'll gladly give up my birthday for a kiddo birthday." What a wonderful daddy!
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Then last Friday afternoon I started bleeding. I knew immediately that this was not good. This didn't happen with Chaz. Ryan and I called the on call doctor and she told me it was probably just spotting and not to worry. I worried, it is what I do. I worried all weekend long. I already had an appointment scheduled for Monday so my thought was unless it gets worse I will just check in that afternoon. But then it got worse. I woke up Monday morning and knew we needed to get to the doctor quickly. We dropped Chaz off at school and went in as soon as we could.
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Just as quickly as our life changed 3 weeks ago, it was about to change again. My doctor decided to do an ultrasound. As soon as I saw the screen I knew what she was going to say "Teresa, I can't find a heartbeat" I cannot tell you how many times those words have played over and over in my head this past week. I looked over to see my husband with his head in his hands. This, this very moment, could just be the worst moment of my life. I had no other reaction but to cry. My world had changed again, forever. I would always be a mom who lost a baby. I don't care how far along I was, I lost a baby. That fact would never change. My husband and I would be traveling through this long road together. The pain is unexplainable, unbearable. That very afternoon I was to hear that sweet little heartbeat, my heart was going to skip a beat, we were both going to tear up, we would immediately begin talking about what to do with the room, what sex the baby would be, the planning and praying was to begin.. but no, not anymore. My heart sank, my world was numb.
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I went home and did what I think almost everyone would do... I crawled into my bed, pulled the covers over my head and cried until I fell asleep. The next few days are a blur. I was numb, I was sad... and now I had to tell all my friends and family, who were insanely excited for us, that we were not going to be blessed with this little baby. Most found out through me asking someone close to "tell the others" or through and email or text. I was just too sad to have a conversation. I avoided phone calls like the plague. The pain was simply unbearable.
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I called my mom before I was ever out of the hospital parking lot.. and by early afternoon she was sitting on the edge of my bed. I love my mom.
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I have spent the majority of the last six days crying and questioning. I am shocked that I even have anymore tears. But I do as they are streaming down my face as I type this post. I did not have any concept of the pain that was involved. I knew it was sad, there is a loss of life, but I didn't understand the extent. I also didn't realize the physical pain or that it is a long process. I know many people who have suffered this same situation but I didn't understand. I don't think you can until you go through it. It is kind of like when people say "You don't understand a mother's love until you become one." True. I would try to sleep during the day but my mind would go full speed and the tears would come. I just didn't know what to do. WHY? Why did this happen? HOW? How do I keep smiling for the sweet little boy I have? WHEN? When does the pain end?
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I had already started writing the new "Belly book." I did this for Chaz and when I did I decided I would do it for all my other kids. It is a book that on one side has the number of the week and dates of the week along with a story about what is going on that week (i.e. told the family, doctor visit, big trip, etc) the other side of the book is a picture of my belly that week. I also started writing the "original" blog. Notes like: "I can't believe the fingernails" "Oh how I forgot the good hair days" "Did I pee this much the first time??" All that now has nowhere to go.. I think about some of my very close girlfriends who are pregnant..I was SO excited to be pregnant at the same time as they were....
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Everyday I waited anxiously for my little guy to get home. I am sure both of my boys were tired of me hugging and kissing all over them. I just couldn't help it. I love them dearly and didn't want to let go of them.
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I am lucky enough to have a sweet husband who brought me at least one of these a day (sometimes 3 or 4... whatever helps right?) If you know me you know unsweet tea with a lemon is a love of mine.
and a mom who brought be a big box of cookies.. note: many are missing because although I am not a sweets fan these seemed to help a little.
and a sweet little boy (with help from Gaga) who brought me these.. He literally went in the back cooler and picked them out....The ones up front were not good enough for his momma and I am quickly reminded of the blessings I have.. nobody else has THIS sweet little 3 year-old who holds my heart in his (blue icing covered) hand. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I struggled with the thought of writing this post. I knew it was going to be incredibly emotional for me (and my husband, friends and my loved ones who would read it) I knew I would be more revealing than I was usually comfortable with and I didn't want it to look like I wanted sympathy or attention (not the point of this post.) I wanted to write this because I feel alone, I am sad and I don't want others who are going through this to feel the same. I know many friends who have been here, lost a child at birth or lost a child when they were older. All situations are incredibly painful but I think we find strength in each other. I am stronger because I know that others have been to hell and back in these situations and they made it through--stronger, wiser and more compassionate. I want to learn from this. I want to be better. I want to appreciate the things I have. I want to slow down and enjoy the moments I have with my child and husband.

I think I smile and laugh often but I want to do it more. As quickly as life can swing one way it can swing back the other way just as quickly. Thank you to the other moms out there for sharing their stories--be it in a blog or in person-- all the stories I have heard have helped me find strength.
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I am still very sad and probably will be for a long time. I have my moments when I will stare off into space or cry for no reason. I have a little boy who doesn't understand because he has a mommy who doesn't know how to explain. We have moments like today at lunch when Chaz was crawling over me and said "Mommy, don't worry.. I won't step on your baby" as can be expected I was in tears within moments. Or the fact that the only sound Chaz wants to listen to on his soundmachine is the "sound of the womb" which I "get" to hear over the monitor. BUT I will make it though this storm. I am a firm believer that God will not give me more than I can handle and although I don't understand I have to trust that this is his plan.. He brought me Ryan, he brought be Chaz, he brought me this baby... and he took this baby away. The last I will never understand but I will always trust that there was a reason.
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Thank you to all our friends and family for the thoughts and prayers as we go through this tough time. We appreciate all the calls (even if I avoided answering some, forgive me) emails, texts, etc. Through this I have learned I have the best husband, kiddo, friends and family a girl could ever ask for.

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I spent some time tonight searching for the "perfect" quote about how I was feeling. I am not sure how exactly one finds the "perfect" quote. So I landed on the below--it makes me think about where I am right now... and it makes me grin in hopes I haven't lost my sense of humor. That would be tragic as it is probably my best trait..

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"In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back" ~ Charlie Brown